A sociologist recently claimed in her new book that having affairs, and lots of them, is the recipe for a happy marriage. According to Catherine Hakim, an “unforgiving, puritan Anglo-Saxon” attitude about infidelity drives couples to divorce rather than strengthening the family, and that a “sour and rigid English view” of adultery is condemning millions to live “celibate” lives with their spouses. Faithful husbands and wives are “caged animals” who should be freed to explore their “wild side” with others without the fear of divorce.
Are Affairs The Recipe For A Happy Marriage?
I disagree, and my reasons are:
1. Aside from great shock value (necessary to achieve great book sales if you can’t sell your books on merit alone), her assumptions are baseless and immature: Where did the assumption that these marriages are sexless come from? And that to have intimacy, these people need to look for it elsewhere? Why the focus on solely sexual relationships anyway, when a happy life includes family, hobbies, interests, good health, and more? The author seems to think in order to have sex, a couple must find new people, and should treat secret dalliances as though they were eating out at a restaurant. Because you can’t turn to your spouse for sex (that isn’t what they are for), and just eating out at a restaurant with friends is boring (it should be with someone you barely know, and end in wild sex), and people in a happy marriage who want to have affairs only do so when their spouse refuses to have sex with them, right? (Ahem)
2. The snide bigotry of the author against those with a moral code, and particularly against Americans and Britons, makes me unable to respect her as a person. She is entitled to her opinions about affairs and what entails a happy marriage, but basically haughtily laughing at entire cultures for their morality is utterly obnoxious, especially for a sociologist. Why attack an entire belief system that, by the way, is not limited to the English and Americans (but as a sociologist, how would she know that? It’s not like sociologists study different peoples or anything).
3. I don’t know the nationality or religion of the author, or whether she was ever married, but if she happens to have a belief system that supports polygamy or adultery or was ever married to someone who had affairs and looked the other way, then of course she’d say it’s ok. She wants her lower standards to be validated. That doesn’t mean she should preach her view of morality to the rest of us with higher standards or values. But she is a sociologist, so disregard the Ten Commandments everybody, her authority trumps God’s.
4. I feel her toss in of “adulterous wives” is just to appease feminists who will cry out “But what about us?” if she only directed women to accept an unfaithful husband to keep her family together, because let’s face it, most married women are too damned busy to go trolling for random men for romps in the hay, and the ego of most men would not tolerate being cuckolded, unless he has low self-esteem or is at the point where he just simply wants out of the marriage altogether. But that isn’t what Hakim is suggesting. She is encouraging affairs to save the marriage. To keep it together forever. Which brings me to my last point…
Should We Lower Our Standards To Keep A Marriage Together?
5. Marriage is not the most important thing in the world. I’m a huge believer in building a strong and happy marriage, for a happy family and well-adjusted children, but also for our own happiness whether or not we have children. People who are happily married live longer, have better health, and according to many studies, live happier, more fulfilling lives.
If you don’t have a partner that respects you, if your marriage is rife with distrust and betrayal, then the opposite is true. Your physical and mental health decline. You can’t focus on other things you want to or need to do, and you don’t feel supported and loved. Instead, you wonder who knows, who the other person is, what your spouse is doing right now. Is this a marriage that is worth holding together at the expense of your self respect? You’d be happier single.
It doesn’t matter if you look the other way, tell yourself you are more evolved in your thinking about affairs, and it doesn’t really bother you because it’s just physical. You know deep down you really aren’t ok with your spouse having affairs and then coming home to kiss you, have dinner with you, and sleep in your bed, and this will affect your health, self-esteem, and ability to function at your best. The author may believe it’s better to be married to a cheater than not married at all, but not everyone is ok with settling for so little in their mate and in life.
Sorry Hakim, but your desperation to sell books/stay with someone who doesn’t respect and cherish you/diminish other belief systems (take your pick) seems rather transparent and pathetic.
Penelope I shared this post and I have to tell you I agree with you 100% I think that the traditions of marriage have taken a side step and are not respected like they used to be.
Great post. I disagree with her as well. I don’t any marriages that are thriving because of affairs, but I do know of many that were destroyed by them.
I’m in awe of how anyone can think that an open marriage makes a happy marriage. I know two couples that have tried open marriages – after one affair each, the first couple decided it wasn’t for them. The other couple had an open marriage for seven years and only one of the partners was happy with the situation (surprisingly, her) and finally he reached his breaking point and divorced her in search of a committed relationship with one person. This just seems like a really perverted view of what marriage was intended to be – if your spouse isn’t enough, why even get married?
Dear Penelope ~ a strong and to the point rebuttal of a non-sensical thesis, coming from a totally unethical perspective on building relationships, partnerships and marriages. Blessings, Debby
Yeah, that is not going to happen. I would be absolutely heartbroken.
Natalya, Ruff House Art
I agree. What this woman is suggesting is entirely false. Marriage is a commitment. Without commitment, it is meaningless and empty. Divorce is not to be trifled with, either, don’t get me wrong, but infidelity is damaging, whether they admit it or not. My only concern with this post is that the issue of children is only briefly mentioned. And that might be for brevity’s sake, and I understand. I would just like to speak for the children for a second. My boyfriend’s parents were divorced for a petty reason, and there were later accusations of infidelity that were false. I know the accusation alone hurt my boyfriend more than the actual divorce. An “unhappy” marriage can be mended for the sake of the children, but when infidelity is involved, everyone suffers, the children most of all. Affairs are selfish things, but the people who suffer the most are the children who have absolutely no control and rarely have others to speak for them. Fidelity is key, and I agree that spouting hurtful and denigrating views just to sell books is shallow. Thank you for defending marriage. There are less and less people every day who have the courage to.
Although I havent read the book, I couldn’t agree with you more. The time and effort it takes to maintain an affair could go instead to strengthening a marriage that lacks intimacy. Ever relationship needs work. Also, many affairs are about an emotional attachment not just about the physical.
I appreciate and respect your perspective. I like my normal, happy marriage! No cheating over here.
Wow, seriously? This woman must have had a very unhappy marriage to think this is a good idea.
Very well said, Penelope. Isn’t it ironic that in the 1960’s when “Free Love” was being promoted as a way to IMPROVE marriages….the divorce rate actually shot up by something like 50% as a result of it.