“We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.” – Phyllis Diller
“If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers.” – Edgar W. Howe
“Children are a great comfort in your old age – and they help you reach it faster, too.” – Lionel Kauffman
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.” – Lane Olinhouse
“Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.” – Bill Cosby
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” – Erma Bombeck
“Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.” – Bill Cosby
“I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.” – Robert Orben
“I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.” – Robert Orben
“The persons hardest to convince that they’re at the retirement age are children at bedtime.” – Shannon Fife
“By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” – Charles Wadsworth
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced on television.” – Erma Bombeck
“Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws. I love it when they come to visit now. They can hold the baby and I can go out.” – Matthew Broderick
“Never underestimate a parent’s ability to mortify his child.” – Peter Gallagher