Lately I keep hearing people say that the most important thing in a relationship is trust: you should be able to trust your spouse no matter what, and if you can’t, you don’t have a real relationship.
Really??
Then why do we often hear that the most respectable of people sometimes have affairs? You know, the “they weren’t the type” people. Why does a pillar-of-the-community, happily married mom have an affair with a co-worker, or a man with seemingly unshakeable integrity get caught living a double life?
Sometimes the only reason affairs start is nothing more than proprinquity; nothing other than being around someone of the opposite sex for long periods of time, alone. You start to talk. And open up. More, and more, over time. You get feedback, a “different point of view”. Someone other than your spouse starts to learn about your secret feelings, thoughts, worries, and starts to influence your ideas and opinions.
You are breaking the covenant of your marriage, and for no other reason than that you are around a person for lots of time. It just happens (it’s human nature). You may even discover you find yourself attracted to someone you never found the least bit appealing before, or they reveal they are attracted to you.
So what is the answer? There is a reason, in a covenantal marriage, you aren’t supposed to spend extended time alone with members of the opposite sex (even if you find them unattractive and neither of you have any interest in the other). Even if you work together? Even if you work together.
You should have trust in your marriage. But not blind trust. Not stupid trust. If rules for a covenant marriage are there, they are there for a reason. It’s because strong people, good people, lots of people before you, failed by doing things a certain way, so wise people set up these guidelines to steer others in the right direction. You and your spouse should not be spending time totally alone with members of the opposite sex on a regular basis.
You should be able to trust….that your spouse won’t spend time alone with members of the opposite sex, especially if you aren’t aware of it or are uncomfortable with it. You should be able to trust that your husband won’t have lunch alone together with his secretary several days a week. That your wife won’t keep staying late at the office alone with her boss to help him on projects. That your spouse won’t exchange numbers with a work “friend” that you have no relationship with.
You should be able to trust that your spouse isn’t sharing intimate details of your life, marriage, and spouse with others. That when others ask inappropriate questions in a spirit of light fun or jest, they don’t reveal things that would be painful or embarassing for the spouse to have shared.
You should be able to trust that when a client, co-worker, employee or anyone one else keeps seeking time alone with your spouse, under any pretext, they say no.
Shouldn’t you be able to trust that they can spend all their free time with someone of the opposite sex and remain utterly detached? Who cares? What a stupid way to judge a relationship’s strength. Why should you be disrespected by a spouse who does such a thing, and then says “but you should trust me” when you express negative feelings about it?
Trust shouldn’t be used as a sledgehammer to control a spouse who is feeling disrespected. More than trust, you should have respect. If you trust your spouse to be faithful, and they disrespect you by driving a flirtatious neighbor to work alone daily because she is “going in the same direction”, then trust doesn’t really help. You should have a spouse that respects your feelings, and never do anything that even gives the appearance of impropriety. You shouldn’t have to trust someone who doesn’t always, 100%, act on the up and up.
The “you should just trust me” thing is usually a big factor in relationships that have been affected to some degree by some level of betrayal, whether the spouse openly flirts with others and cause their wife or husband pain by it, or outright cheated. “You have to ignore the flirting (that’s his way) and just trust him”. “You have to forgive the cheating, and trust her implicitly, if you want to start over.”
Are you kidding me??
No, you don’t. You have to have respect for each other, for the feelings of the other, and for the impressions you present to your spouse and the world. You have to make sure you don’t do anything that would cause your spouse to distrust you, and vice versa. And if your spouse betrays your faith in any way by being disrespectful, you shouldn’t trust him. You shouldn’t trust him if he wants to spend time alone with female friends, or wants to go on business trips without you (when wives can come), or wants to keep in touch with an ex “as friends” and chat privately with them by email and facebook and whatnot.
These are all disrespectful. And telling yourself you trust your spouse doesn’t help if you are unhappy and doubtful. Kowtowing because your spouse accused you of not trusting him and made it seem like something is wrong with you doesn’t help either.
You should make a good choice when you get married. Pick someone with integrity and a good heart. Then, you should respect each other. If you or your spouse is unhappy about something, that should mean something to the other person. Being bullied by “you don’t trust me!” is a form of control.
Can you have friends of the opposite sex? Of course, but only if your spouse is ok with it. Of course you may work with members of the opposite sex, often alone, but if you are staying late at work together after everyone else has gone home, or having lunch alone together while everyone else is at a group table, it’s a problem. I know a man who was fired for refusing to go on a business trip where he was required to share a room with a female co-worker so the company could save money. The woman filed a complaint that he was treating her like a female instead of a professional. So he should share a bedroom and bathroom with her to show he isn’t sexist? He had boundaries, and while he is now fighting for his job, his family life is certainly intact (which is more important anyway).
Trust is important. You shouldn’t marry someone you don’t trust. You shouldn’t lack faith in your spouse for no reason. Baseless suspicion, spying, accusations can erode the sweetness and innocence of your love. But if you have reason to doubt, if something is going on that gives you a bad vibe, you shouldn’t be beaten into submission and have “trust” called into question. If your spouse (or you) ever behave in a way that causes the other to get a bad feeling, you need to make sure you aren’t acting in a way that seems improper or less than totally trustworthy, because respecting your spouse is more important than demanding trust no matter what.
The most important aspects of a relationship are love and respect, and if you have these, trust is never an issue. When spouses respect each other and their marriage, there is never an opportunity to have doubt or lack trust.
I agree. I can say there are several areas i don’t ‘trust’ my husband and he will admit that i shouldn’t. ie money management. so we’ve found away around that. and when trust is lost, and it was greatly in our household, then by the statment that you MUST have trust, that should have implied we should have ended things. but we are working to regain that trust and it certainly isn’t easy but you have too much respect for our vows to simply walk away.
So true!
I have a female friend that hangs out with male friends by herself. Sometimes it’s just her and one or two other guys. I’m sure it’s innocent but I personally don’t find it appropriate. People do get tempted and it’s more likely to happen if you yourself in a compromising situation.
I think trust IS key to a marriage, BUT I think it goes hand in hands with other components of a married relationship — components that are ALL key to having a “successful” marriage.
I think being able to communicate with one another, making time for each other, making a point to be affectionate with one another . . . it all goes into creating a relationship where each partner mutually respects and trusts the other. I don’t think you can have “trust” without having all the other pieces in the mix.
If her husband is ok with it, I guess that’s that. If he isn’t though, and she does it anyway, she is disrespecting him (no matter how innocent the friendship).
I like the point you brought up…trust comes in many forms, and so does respect (money issues are a biggie), and trust can be rebuilt when, for example a husband is not 100% forthcoming about a money issue, both partners realize there is a problem and agree to work on it. Respect for each other means being upfront about money too, and a spouse who makes a money boo boo shows respect when they realize their error and are willing to work on it.
I have a friend she was O.K. with her husband having friendships with female friends at work thinking it was all about work but unfortunately he did cheated her… where can you draw this line. He was working to a retail company where he meets a lot of people he did took the opportunity to cheat with multiple partners. she was heart broken but she has kids and stays with the same person. He says to her that he has changed but can she trust him. I personally think it is not going to happen.
Can people change… I sometimes think there is a possibility but depends on the individual…
I’m old fashioned, but I don’t think people *need* friends of the opposite sex. They can have friendships, and they can be platonic, but since it’s not necessary, unless you were friends with someone (platonically) before you met your spouse, and are more like family, why *make* friends of the opposite sex when you are married? I’ve never had a man (married or not) seek my friendship as an adult who didn’t at some point express romantic interest. Men don’t really want to be friends with women they find unattractive.
Women need women friends, and men need buddies. They don’t *need* friends of the opposite sex for anything.
This is a great article! I’m not religious and I think the covenant marriage is a religious thing, but I feel pretty much the same way about this issue. If you pick the right guy and watch his behaviour and his values then you have a solid base for your trust after marriage. If your husband cheats, you have nothing to base your trust on. Maybe he can slowly begin to win it back, but he does need to accept that your trust is shattered.
You can have a normal career and social life without disrespecting your spouse. Going for lunch in a group is perfectly respectable, but there is no need to go to a colleague’s apartment to chat in private, or to go on a weekend break with a friend of the opposite sex. I don’t normally do those things and I’m a single woman. I value my own dignity and reputation too much to do those things without a good reason.
Wow…this is great food for thought! At first blush, I felt your opinions here were a bit harsh and politically incorrect; I have male friends that I used to spend a lot of time with, whether just hanging out or going camping and spending weekends with them. I say I used to do this because out of respect for my LOVE I no longer do. It’s not that he doesn’t trust me or that there any real concern of infidelity, but that it is a matter of propriety and the fact that it *could* create some discomfort for him. Ultimately, it is RESPECT that allows trust to grow in a relationship. I respect him and his feelings, so however unfounded his fears might be, I won’t put him (or myself) in a situation that might cause suspicion or uneasiness. He gives me the same respect, which makes me respect him even more. It’s a lovely self-generating cycle!
A great post from somebody who is clearly in a respect-, trust- and love-filled relationship!
I agree with this 100% – not that you can’t make friends of the opposite sex when you run across them, but you don’t NEED those opposite sex friends.
I will say, I grieve for the lost freedom/easiness with one of my very best, dearest friends who is a male. It’s complicated since when we were in high school I liked this guy, but now we are both very happily married. Recently their family stayed at our house overnight, and we shifted around the entire household into the “wrong” rooms to sleep, so that my friend and I could stay up and talk in the most open, central room of the house to avoid the appearance of evil (and temptation, should it have come to that). Having to be all careful not to just plop down on the couch next to my friend and talk took lots of concentration and soured the meeting somewhat — but out of respect for my husband, and his wife (who, by the way, is also a dear friend), the old way of being able to hang out is gone. And it’s tough.