Accept your husband as he is, because you can’t change a man, and you picked your husband for a reason. The greatest need we all have is to be loved and accepted as they are. Imagine finding out the person you are most intimate with, trust the most, love the most, finds you flawed. They know you better than anyone, and they think there are just all these things wrong with you. Worse, they think about your flaws, think about how to fix them, and maybe even complain to others about them. Rather unsettling, no? So why do it to your husband? If you found that the intimacy in your marriage is gone, this is probably the reason. Who can get close to someone and be open and vulnerable with someone that looks at them as sees all the mistakes, errors, and flaws? It’s like trying to hold a thorny rose- better to enjoy it from afar and not bother to get too close.
You Can’t Change A Man
Well, sometimes you can, with lots of fighting and manipulation, but then you won’t respect him anymore, the change usually isn’t long term anyway, and most of the time things become worse. The worst thing a woman can do is marry a man she thinks is a diamond in the rough that she can polish into the shape she wants. If you don’t like a man as he is, don’t marry him. Do you want to marry a man who tries to make you lose weight, even though you may have been chubby when you first met him? How would you feel knowing he looks at you and thinks you are overweight, or have an annoying laugh, or, well, you get the picture. Do you want a woman to marry your sweet, kind, intelligent son and try to change him into someone else, for her own sake, without care about the man he really is and wants to be? To ignore all his wonderful qualities and only care about making him into someone that serves her needs, instead of appreciating the whole package and wanting him to have a full life in his own way too? If you don’t like a man as he is, leave him alone. Someone else will want him the way he is, and acceptance and appreciate for him as he is is a basic need of men.
Trying To Change A Man Pushes Him Away
This brings me to my next point. You picked your husband for a reason (though you may not know it) so why try to change him anyway? If you were shy, you might have picked a very outgoing man to help bring you out of your shell, and now you are jealous that he has lots of friends (always did) that he spends time with (always did), and you’re still a bit of a wall-flower who sits home watching tv. You picked him because you liked his social side, and then you try to change him into a stay at home, rarely spend time with friends, kind of guy. Women tend to pick men who have what they want, and later this shining quality is what they dislike most about them.
Why You Should Accept Your Husband As He Is
There is a funny saying by Albert Einstein “Men get married hoping she’ll never change, women getting married hoping he will. Inevitably, both are disappointed”. A bit unfair. After all, doesn’t time change a woman’s appearance, and children change her priorities? Marriage doesn’t change a man into what you want. In fact, it actually makes things that annoyed you while dating more prominent, because now you see it daily, and it’s part of your life. If you are dating someone you want to change, let him go. Let a woman who likes him just as he is find him. Find a man whom you can like and respect, and can accept just as he is, with no changes whatsoever. Trying to spiffy up a diamond in the rough will just rub him the wrong way, and there will be war in your home.
Pick Someone Who Loves You As You Are Too
You don’t want to marry someone who thinks he’ll harass you after you are married to lose 20 lbs or start baking (because then you’d be *perfect* to him). You want to be married to a man who loves you exactly as you are, even loves your flaws, knows they make you uniquely you, and happily lives with your quirks. We all have flaws, we just don’t think they are that bad because they are ours. Your husband has different flaws, but that doesn’t make them worse (they might be, if he takes drugs or gambles or something else serious, but I’m obviously talking about flaws that are not a moral issue).
Vive La Difference!
I’ll share a secret with you. My husband is a caveman. He is messy, he eats like a caveman, he can be loud, and he is friends with the whole world. I love order, I’m neat, quiet, and have less than ten very close female friends. I’m a private person, a homebody, and I don’t share my private self with most people. I loved how outgoing and friendly my husband was, but later came to resent how open and social he was when I wanted a more quiet lifestyle. Was this fair? Not at all. I wanted to be less reserved (a bit) so I was drawn to his fun side when he pursued me, so it wasn’t ok to try to change him later. Instead, my goal now is to become more like him, because after all, *this* is why I was attracted to this quality of his- I wanted it for myself. If I were a more outgoing, social (yet still private) person, I would not be jealous of his social skills, so in the end, all I can do is accept my husband as he is, because that is the man I fell in love with.